I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
