god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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