mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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