Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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