3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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