just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
