my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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