I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
