I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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