I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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