I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
