I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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