so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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