Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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