my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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