The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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