grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
