I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
