i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
