i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
