my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize