My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
