today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
