i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
