I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
