I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
