Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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