There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The air was thick with penises
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize