and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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