i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
