He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
