remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Randomize
