I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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