i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and she was petting her beer can
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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