She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize