Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
