so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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