dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
