We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
