This girl is more easily done than said...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize