It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
