If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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