if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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