Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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