know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
