No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
