meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
ugly people sure do ruin things
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
