Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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