There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
