tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
