I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
