so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
