things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
