I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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