**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize